Isn’t religion wonderful?

Posted: 06/02/2014 in Screwed

I love religious people.  I really do.  There was a time, when I was about 13 years old, when I thought seriously about joining the other side.  Yep, I wanted to be a preacher.  And not just any old preacher, but a Christian evangelist.  It’d been a slow, hot summer and I’d discovered girls.  And, let’s face it, there’s not much a boy can do to impress a girl at that age.  But, as was usual in the south in the summertime, we had a roving evangelist come through town and set up a tent revival.  And the man was good.  He cudda sold religion to the Pope.

I was mesmerized by his oratory.  He held his audience in the palm of his hand night after night.  Of course, he was the only entertainment in town, but, still, like I said, he was good.  By the time he left I was certain I’d found my calling.  I told the reverend at my mother’s church, and was a bit surprised that he wasn’t all that pleased with my decision.  It was years before I figured out that he was disappointed, and maybe a little jealous, that he’d had my “attention” three times a week for a decade and it only took some fancy stranger a couple of days to fire me up for the holy spirit.  For a month (I was a hard case) I wrote out and memorized socially driven sermons just in case the reverend asked me to fill in for him on a moment’s notice.  Stranger things have happened, you know.  At least I found a girl who was impressed by my fervor.

Eventually that fire died down as I discovered that kissing girls was much more fun than spouting sermons.  Apparently I gave up much too soon.  If I’da hung on awhile longer, I might have reached the heights that Judge Abbas Mohammed Al-Khalifa has reached.  He’s gotten so holy that he feels qualified to hang anyone who dares not see God the way he does.  Especially females.  He got very high and mighty recently when he discovered that 27-year-old Meriam Yahia Ibrahim Ishag was not only married to a Christian, but claiming to be a Christian as well.  So he first sentenced the 8-months-pregnant woman to 100 lashes for bedding a non-Muslim, then decided she needed to be hanged since she’d threatened his belief in Allah by having a different name for her God.  (In case you don’t speaky the lingo, the word ‘Allah’ translates to the English word ‘God’.)  Of course he said it was because she refused to return to the religion of her birth, but then he found out that Ishag was raised by her Christian mother and Christianity was the only religion she’d ever known.  So that just made him look stupid.

Still, a sentence is a sentence, and no man could live with himself if he ever changed his mind simply because the facts were against him.  So the judge stood firm.  There were demonstrations, but the judge stood firm.  International agencies got involved, but the judge stood firm.  There was a world-wide outpouring of bad publicity, but…okay, enough of this crap — the sentence was eventually thrown out.   And even though Ishag is still in jail (she just had the baby), the judge couldn’t have been happy about losing face.  He probably felt better, however, after going home and kicking a puppy.  [Update: she’s finally free, thanks to “unprecedented international pressure”.]

I love religious people.  I really do.  There’s no better entertainment for the dollar.  Unless, of course, they turn their attention onto you.  And then you’d best walk softly, ’cause those folks are just plain nuts.


Be seeing you.


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