Holy matrimony

Posted: 01/01/2014 in Screwed

I understand why you think that marriage, that thing you hold so dear you’ve done it yourself five times, should not be for just anyone.  For example, children can’t get married.  Well, not without their parent’s consent, anyway.  That’s to keep a young boy from running off with the first piece of ‘tang he dips his wick in, right?  Girls, of course, well, that’s another matter.  I mean, sure, really young girls shouldn’t get married.  They should be old enough to understand what love and commitment really mean.  Why, even in the most backwater places they need to be at least nine or ten.

But you take your gays and your homo-sexuals, they don’t understand about things holy because they’ve got the devil in their hearts.  Naturally you understand the temptation.  Why, you coulda gone down that road yourself if your pa hadn’t taken the the razor strap to you after he caught you in the barn with that boy from the neighboring farm.  Hell, Pa didn’t even listen to you when you tried to explain.  You weren’t gay, you was just comparing, you know, curious like.  Thank Gawd he hadn’t known about the other times when you had satisfied your curiosity about that other stuff.  Heck, by the time your legs quit bleeding and you could walk again, they’d had plenty of time to pray the godlessness out of you.  The saltwater baths seeping into those open cuts from the strap helped the conversion along as well.

If nothing else, it really set you up for marriage, didn’t it?  You learned how to endure.  Marriage isn’t about fun, it’s about sacrifice.  Endurance is the bedrock of marriage, and sacrifice is its cornerstone.  Living together day after day after day, wishing one of you would die and get it over with — that’s marriage.  You would never have asked for a divorce yourself, but, what with the “no fault” divorce and all, you had no choice when the woman you promised to endure life forever with decided forever was too long.  Just your bad luck that you picked five women in a row that had no endurance.

It’s better living alone anyway, isn’t it?  No one to nag you, no one to spend half your paycheck and expect you to come home from work without stopping at the bar every night to hang out with ‘the guys’.  Just because all your friends are men only means you weren’t tempted to be unfaithful to your beloved, am I right?  It’s not because you’re more comfortable around them.

Don’t you make fun of the gays more than anyone else at work?  And, occasionally, when you see a good ole, rip roarin’, he-man type movie, if you sigh a little when he takes his shirt off, why that’s just admiration.  That’s all it is.  You certainly wouldn’t want to marry the guy!  Might be interesting to spend an evening with him sometime, but marriage?  That’s too holy.


I understand perfectly.  Be seeing you.


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